Thursday, February 08, 2007

300 Reviewed! In a Word: Gratuitous

Just got back from a full screening of 300*. Rest assured, the previews are true.

300 is a Sportcenter highlight reel of over the top violence, manly closeups, and boobs. It's like Braveheart or Gladiator but with none of that boring 'Oscar winning' material put in for chicks or self-important movie critics.

It's comprised entirely of fighting with gratuitous slowmo, violence with gratuitous limb severing, gratuitous monologues belted out with extreme vigor, and gratuitous boobs with extreme nipple.

I didn't keep count, but it certainly must meet the Bloodsport Benchmark** for action movie quality.

In other words, it's not much of a date movie, but it's certainly Manlaw approved.

* The preview screening came courtesy of a Streetwise mailing list. Even though I am sure Streetwise would like nothing better than for me to express my pleasure for this film by posting a glowing review on my blog, I am still doing just that.

** The Bloodsport Benchmark: The quality of some movies can be judged purely by comparing the number of minutes in the film against its combined number of fight, exploding, chase and sex scenes . Bloodsport with approximately 9 fights, 1 chase, and 1 sex scene (11 total) in something like 88 minutes sets the gold standard with its ratio of approximately 8:1.


Nobis said...

"With Extreme Nipple," starring Clint Eastwood and Pamela Anderson, is coming to a theater near you this holiday season.

pava said...

a fabulous review from aint it cool. So quotable, i have to paste it in cuz there's too many exerpts:

You can see the page it's from here:

I just saw a movie that’ll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE TRANSPORTER. It’s called 300. I don’t know what the title has to do with the movie, but they could’ve called it KITTENS MAKING CANDLES and it’d still rule.

It’s about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated shit out of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot of high school sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced women are going to use screen captures for computer wallpaper.

The movie takes place about a million years ago, and it’s sort of like a prequel to SIN CITY. Except way less guns and cars but twice as much skull splitting. If you watch this movie and go into a Taco Bell, and say to the cashier, “I need some extra sauce packets” guess what? You’re getting twenty sauce packets because your face will punch him in the brain.

I can’t spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN’T ONE. Just ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is kicking yet more ass that’s hitting someone’s balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.



Who gives a shit if the music isn’t historically correct? LORD OF THE RINGS could’ve used some Journey. This movie has that chu-CHUNG kind of metal that you hear in your head when your shift supervisor at Wetzel’s Pretzel is telling you that you’ll have to stay for clean up and you wish you had a sock filled with quarters in your hand.


Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but the director, who must have a dick made of three machine guns, does it all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from the last ten years. There’s wave after wave of giants, freaks, ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like he’s got Rosie O’Donnell on his back.

Would I have been happy if Dom DeLuise from HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART I had shown up? Maybe, but this movie more than makes up for that glaring oversight.


These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around. And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every naked woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic. Dude-ity is something directors put in their movies so people will think they’re serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties.

Any directors reading this – IT’S OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED HOTTIES.

Can’t someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE BUTTON?

My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie I’ve seen this year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.

Anonymous said...

Of course there's lots of fighting in it. It's directly from the graphic novel which is based (losely) on the Battle of Thermopylae which really happened.