Sunday, November 25, 2007

Rumpshaker Reviews: Beowulf (Robert Zemeckis is a Freaky God)

(If you didn't know, image above is sort of a cartoon. )

Two bloody thumbs up for Beowulf on the Bloodsport Scale.

I am picturing the Greenlight meeting for Beowulf:

Robert Zemeckis: Hey, I want to do a $200m rated-R cartoon with more dudity than 300 and some of the characters will speak in Flemish or dutch or something.

Paramount: Nobody wants R-rated cartoons. Can you at least throw something loveable in it. And sneaking in teens don't like foreign languages.
Zemeckis: Angelina Jolie plays a hot dragon chick.
Paramount: OK. So we got loveable covered. But no one likes R-rated cartoons.
Zemeckis: I'll make two of the characters good looking enough so you can sucker everyone into thinking it's live-action.
Paramount: Fine. Blood. Live action. Can work with that. But what about the nerds?

Neil Gaiman: Hey, I'm helping to write this thing, and I write those comic books that everyone claims they've read but I know no one really understands.
Roger Avary: I'm taking all the blood I didn't use in Pulp Fiction and just pouring it all over the top of this.

Paramount: Is there enough man-yelling?
Zemeckis: I promise the main character will yell I AM BEOWULF with blood all over his face at least 3 times. Oh, did I tell you I'm throwing in just a touch of anti-Christian blasphemy?
Paramount: Awesome. R-rated anti-christian full of naked butts cartoon that we won't market as a cartoon. PERFECT. Our jobs are safe again.
And in my opinion they should be. Especially cuz I saw this with Alge in 3-D IMAX MADNESS.

Rotten Tomatoes puts this film at 70%. Screw you critics. As a piece of tech it deserves much more than that. Story? Like a dog walking on its hind legs, points don't get taken off when the characters don't loook human, but just the fact that they look good enough some of the time to fool you into thinking everything's real? I'll take it.
Hell. . . isn't a half-naked cartoon dude screaming 'I AM BEOWULF' enough for you???
(Rob EG and purists: Here are some links about the movie so you can begin your rebuttal):

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